Written in jest for the dining out of the Commander of HMS NEPTUNE, President of the Wardroom Mess and Base Executive Officer. He was a great friend and had excelled by being promoted from the ranks but was a wee touch rank conscious.
WARNING: This is in the language of a barrack room ballad and was writtten when females in the Navy were members of the Woman's Royal Naval Service (WRNS) and known as Wrens or 'Jennies'. It was also written before political correctness took hold. For the record, the ladies could more than hold their own.
O Lord, who in the Heavens doth dwell
Who, as it pleases best thysel
Sends one tae Guzz and one to hell, (1)
To serve our Queen.
And no because they've served Her well
Where'else they've been .
And Thou, O Lord, from all the rest,
Have chosen no to send me West
But sent me North to face my test,
Your Lord's anointed.
Thou kent fine well I was the best,
By God appointed.
When Thou gie'd me this great status
It caused Nav. Sec. a wee hiatus, (2)
For D.N.O.A. didnae rate us, (3)
But I had class.
And now this lot will have tae fête us
And kiss my ass.
Why me, O Lord, I need an answer?
Me, a simple SD chancer (4)
Who, in jest, sought GL transfer (5)
To please the wife,
Who acts like Hitler's leading Panzer
And rules my life.
But sauce for goose is sauce for gander
And last time she got up her dander,
I warned her that I could have banned her
From the Mess!
For, thank Thee Lord, I am Commander
In this Base
In dining out this final night,
I pray, O Lord, with all my might
This stingy Mess will no be tight,
On gifts and praise
For always being in the right
Throughout my days.
And here am I, the chosen sample,
To show thy power on Earth is ample;
The very pillar of thy temple
My God's own Ace,
Guide, counsellor and example
To a' thy Base.
Thou knows right well what zeal I bear
When drinkers drink and swearers swear,
And women flash their breasts all bare,
Both great and small.
In front o'me they would not dare.
I ban them all.
Through every passage in this Mess.
I tread the paths of righteousness
My God, you'd stand for nothing less;
No sign of weakness.
But, Lord, a sin I must confess
Wi' fearful meakness.
Yes, Lord! Confess I must.
For Thou, I ken, will have me sussed.
At times I'm siezed wi' fleshly lust.
And cannae cope.
For when I see a woman's bust
I want to grope.
Lord, Thou kens last week I stumbled
When in a Jenny's blouse I fumbled (6)
And to the floor in shame we tumbled
To my dishonour.
Then, whilst my fevered brain was jumbled,
I was upon her.
Please, Lord, accept this humble plea
That when, across my wanton knee,
I pulled the WPC (7)
Whose arse I kissed,
Thou knows this wisnae really me
For I was pissed.
But maybe, Lord, it was thy plan,
When man and woman first began,
To tantalise the wicked man
Wi' women risqué,
Then drown his manhood from a can
O' guid Scotch whisky.
O Lord, bless thy chosen in Faslane
Who serve here in thy gentle rain,
But damn all those who gie me pain
And cause me grief.
They're wearing dolphins in the main. (8)
And all called 'Chief'.
And free us from our woman members
Who're here in ever rising numbers
Waking men from honest slumbers
Wi' shrieks and squeals
And stoking up their dying embers
Wi' furtive feels.
O Lord, Thou knew that Jack and Jill
Would have their oats whilst up the hill.
I thank Thee for the cap and pill,
Which save me from a massive bill
For sexual blunders.
And hear this cry of earnest pain.
Some bastard here has nicked my cane (9)
Without which, though this may sound vain,
I cannae swagger.
Lord, if I find it with a Wren,
I swear I'll shag 'er.
Last thing, Lord, my 206, (10)
Is in the hands of total pricks
But, if You sign the Section 6
They'd all kow tow.
And would wi' wee Masonic fix,
Promote me 'Now'.
1 - Guzz: Navy slang for Plymouth.
2 - Nav. Sec.: Naval Secretary: He who appoints officers.
3 - DNOA: Director of Naval Officer Appointments
4 - SD: Special Duties List, officers who have been promoted from the ranks.
5 - GL: General List: direct entry career officers
6 - Jenny: Navy slang for a Wren
7 - WPC: Woman Police Constable
8 - Dolphins, the submariners' badge
9 - The Commander of a Naval Establishment traditionally carries a cane as a badge of office
10 - 206: Form S.206, an officer's personal performance assessment.